i get by with a little help from my friends

It's the New Year and so far it's off to a good start.

I'm in the middle of a promotion at work and I finally met a group of girlfriends in Nashville. My phone now rings with plans to go out drinking/dancing, comedy nights at Zanies, and chill nights to watch movies and play Wii. And most importantly, it's comfortable. It's not awkward and uncomfortable the way newly forming friendships usually are. It feels real. 

I needed a slew of girlfriends to be able to call up when I need to get out of the house. But also, I need girls that I can trust. That are fun. That are not completely and annoyingly obsessed with guys. Of course guys are going to be a big topic, but it doesn't have to be the only one or even the main one . And it's nice that these girls can go out to the bar and not thrive off the attention they get from boys. They get it, but they don't particularly care. They're all single (with the exception of 1 but they have an amazingly honest and trusting relationship so I don't have to deal with that drama) and they don't need or want guys in their life right now. And that's where I'm at and it's so refreshing to be able to relate to each other in that way. 

Hi. I'm right here.

I hear cliches a lot. And instead of agreeing with them, I tend to scoff at them. Who wants to live in a cliche? Who wants to be just another cliche? Not me. I heard this one today... "I'm trying to find myself" and I couldn't help but roll my eyes a bit and laugh. Hi. You're right there! Pretty sure you're not lost. But, really, you can move to a new city, surround yourself with new faces and places, and you know what, you're still you. You can't leave a place and find the "real" you in a new city. You can't get over a breakup and then proclaim that you finally "found yourself". That person that you were when you were with him? That was you. You decided to compromise and let your life revolve around his. That's part of who you are (part of who I was). And who's to say you won't go right back into that old habit once a new guy comes along? More often than not, you'll "lose" yourself again. I'm getting off track. Point being, you shouldn't have to drop what you're doing and "go find yourself." You're right there. How about just evaluate yourself? How do people get promotions? Raises? Mostly through evaluations. So in order to give yourself, your esteem, whatever, a "promotion" or "raise" or more appropriately, "growth", you need to take a step back and evaluate.

And that's kind of what I try to do. And there's a LOT of things I need/want to change about myself but I also realize that I'm in an okay place right now. Better than OK, maybe.

I don't absolutely NEED anyone. And some people might see that as a bad thing. But I used to be completely dependent on other people. My parents, obviously (which I still am to a certain financial degree but I'll give that another year before I re-evaluate that one, haha). My boyfriend at one point. A big point, actually. A point that I don't know if I can ever completely recover from BECAUSE I was so dependent upon him. Friends at another point (and that was a more fun point. oh, college.) And alcohol at another. But now... I feel so independent, to the point where it's almost exhilarating. I can go to a movie by myself and be perfectly at ease. I can go DAYS without answering my damn cell phone. I don't need to drink myself into an oblivion 7 nights out of the week. Whenever I'm upset about something, I don't have to talk to someone about it. I can work it out myself. It took me such a long time to get here. To be able to be alone without the associated feelings of lonely. 

It's not that I don't want friends. I love my friends. I just don't feel like I have to be dependent on them. I want them around for their good company. I just don't need for my phone to ring throughout the day and I don't need to tell them about every horrible/amazing detail of my life, let alone the monotonous and mundane activities that make up my day. 

Another thing? Because I'm not so dependent upon other people, I care less about what they think of me. So what if I'm not some big-shot as soon as I graduated from college? I don't have a high paying job. I can barely pay rent. And I don't by any means have my shit together. Do I need/want you to think otherwise? Um, no. I. don't. give. a. shit. 

I don't know... I guess it's refreshing not to feel pathetic and needy and all whoa is me. And, for clarification's sake, this was not an act of "finding myself", it was an act of evaluating myself. Where I'm at. Right now. And subject to change.